Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
