we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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