after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
