It's Friday. Sex?
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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