I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
