And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
