you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
