don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
