I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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