my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
