im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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