Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
