Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
