the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
