she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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