All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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