Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
