i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
