If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
