you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
