Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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