At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
