I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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