Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
