So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
