Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Rumble strips road head = magical
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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