My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
