you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
