I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
