Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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