How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
