R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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