fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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