someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
