If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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