At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
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