You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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