Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
