dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
