U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
