On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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