the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
