It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
