I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
