hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
