He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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