i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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