I'm so fucking centered right now
I think I won the penis lottery.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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