I wanna bring you to show and tell
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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