he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
