Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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