I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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